5 Tips for Better Conversations Over the Holiday Season (and Beyond)
Our founders were experienced family therapists. They knew firsthand that families from every walk of life are affected by similar conflicts. People get mired in old stories, stuck repeating the same old cycles, or fall back into polarized win-lose dynamics.
When our founders saw the same dysfunctional cycles in public discourse that they had seen in families, they believed they could leverage their expertise to change the conversation.
Over the course of years, our founders experimented and innovated. They drew from a wide range of disciplines in addition to their therapeutic background. The result was our trademark approach, Reflective Structured Dialogue (RSD).
“Thanksgiving Famous”
The fact that our founders were family therapists may be why we are, as we often joke, “Thanksgiving famous.” We’ve been featured in the New York Times, NPR, and TIME Magazine, among other outlets, to help people prepare for tricky holiday conversations.
Because sometimes it’s true—our relationships with family members can be very difficult. They can be infuriating or heartbreaking. These may be people we love who had a profound influence on the course of our lives, shaping our views on everything from college basketball to politics.
But now you and that family member have very different perspectives. As a result of years of disagreements, the trust between you has been lost. Those familial bonds are strained or broken. Gathering to celebrate a holiday becomes a challenge, rather than a joy.
The gaps between family members aren't the only source of difficulty, either. Those divides often reveal internal tensions—the tension between our past selves and our present commitments, between the values you were raised with and the values you hold today.
Given all this, it’s no wonder we find it hard to be our best selves in the midst of so many complicated feelings and conflicts.
5 Ways to Change the Conversation
There is hope. There are proven ways to mend or bridge the divide. Our founders knew this. They practiced it every day—both healing and hope. It is possible to connect authentically and meaningfully, with dignity and mutual care, as the people we are today, even across huge differences of perspectives and values.
To help you navigate fraught relationships and difficult conversations—for the holiday season and beyond —with family members, friends, or colleagues, here are five tips drawn from our approach that can help you.
- Be Honest About Your Goals
Do you want to connect with this person, or do you want to change them? Do you want to be heard, or do you want to be right? Reflect on the question in advance. If it’s the latter, you are probably setting yourself up for heartache. In that case, it is likely better to maintain a comfortable, polite distance. But if you genuinely want to connect with this person, as they are and as your authentic self, then you’re starting in the right headspace. - Before You Respond, Ask for a Story
Stuck conversations are happening all over the country. Sound bites are met with stock responses, which make polarization and conflict worse. If you want a different outcome, you have to do something different. The next time someone serves up a political talking point, ask them for a personal story, an experience from their life that has shaped their view on the issue. It brings the conversation down from abstract arguments to personal reflection. Stories are fundamentally how people connect. - Speak from Your Own Personal Experience
When we speak in generalizations or on behalf of groups, it undermines our ability to form meaningful connections. If we want to be understood as individuals, rather than symbols of opposing ideologies or threatening identities, we need to share personal stories about how we arrived where we are. You were helped or swindled, and it shaped your view of healthcare. You were hurt or saved, and it shaped your view on guns. To keep the old cycles alive, roll out the sound bites. To really connect, tell your story. - Make Space for Silence
Quickfire back-and-forth arguments and overlapping crosstalk may be the norm for your family or community, but those dynamics also tend to encourage the stuck cycles we’re trying to break. Take a breath. Allowing some space in a difficult conversation can help people stay grounded and speak more intentionally. Slowing things down is a small yet potentially transformative step you can take to mitigate polarization. - Trust Your Gut
Even when it’s difficult, maintaining a relationship with people you care about can be a rich and transformative experience. But you are the expert in your own life. If a person shares things that make you feel unsafe, dehumanized, or belittled, it may be time to step away. You may need to put aside the relationship for a time. Just because we at Essential Partners help people connect across divides does not mean you need to bridge every divide with every person. Trust your judgment.
As any family therapist will tell you, changing established patterns of communication and behavior takes time. Don’t expect one conversation over mashed potatoes to fix everything. But if you are intentional and consistent, things can change. By Thanksgiving next year, you might find yourself in a new dynamic—less hostile and suspicious; more trusting, curious, and open. We hold out hope that the differences between people can become a space for joy and love.
If you want to learn more about our Reflective Structured Dialogue approach, consider joining us for an upcoming workshop. We also have a library of free guides and resources, thanks to the generosity of our donors.
If you want to support our mission and inspiring partners, make more free resources possible, expand access to our work, and help grow this movement, consider making a donation today.
