In Memoriam, Dave Joseph (1948-2021)
It’s hard to believe that we lost our beloved colleague, mentor, and friend, Dave Joseph, five years ago already.
With his wisdom, wit, and generosity, Dave was truly a leader in the field of peace-building. He joined Essential Partners in 1996, when it was still known as the Public Conversations Project. During his influential time with us, Dave impacted countless lives in communities all around the globe. His legacy is very much alive in our work, through both the innumerable innovations he made in our programs and trainings as well as the spirit with which he approached this complex, difficult, and deeply human work.
Most of us in the next generations of facilitators here at EP owe our start to Dave’s commitment to teaching and mentoring us.
I was reminded of Dave most recently by EP co-founder Corky Becker. Corky was presented with the Distinguished Contribution to Family Therapy Award at this year’s American Family Therapy Academy conference. It is a well-deserved acknowledgment of all her contributions to the field.
In her remarks, titled “What Are You Fighting For?”, she talked about looking for the hope that lies behind a complaint, the power of listening, and the importance of stories to people's identities, among other topics.
Someone in the audience asked about what to do, as a therapist or facilitator, when you’re triggered by something that was shared and find yourself in a state of fight, flight, or freeze. How do you stay generous, compassionate, and curious in those moments?
In response, Corky recalled a time when she was facilitating a challenging dialogue with Dave Joseph. It was an extremely difficult situation, and one person became combative with other members and with the facilitators. It was agitating, and Corky felt herself freezing up.
Then Dave, in his remarkable ability to hold onto his curiosity, leaned in and said, "What are you longing for?"
His question stopped the person in their tracks. It brought them from conflict to self-reflection, and surfaced the fact that their anger, their combativeness, and their criticisms were an expression of some deeper need. The person answered by naming their hopes, and the energy of the conversation shifted.
Dave’s question brought everybody back into the room. Everyone in that circle had been in various modes of fight, flight, or freeze, until Dave transformed the dynamic with a single, elegant, genuinely curious question.
We remain the grateful bearers of Dave’s legacy. He lived a life of service and compassion, with a passion for justice and an abiding commitment to peace. In his memory, I borrow a line from the Kaddish prayer of mourning: May the rule of peace be established speedily in our time.
