New Year, Same Conversations?

There are some new years resolutions that I seem to make every year (often more out of habit than out of intention). You know the ones. They all begin with: I swear, this is the year. I will floss every day. That 10 lbs is coming off for good. And I will absolutely speak with (that person) about (that thing). You know this one, too – it’s the conversation you’ve been putting off with a friend, parent, boss…the long overdue conversation that, done right, might repair a fractured relationship.  And all too often, that conversation has gone all wrong.

I had the opportunity to take Essential Partners workshop, the Power of Dialogue, and it provided me with some critical tools to approach the most stuck conversations in a new way. It’s so easy to slide back into old patterns where we focus on our position and appearing confident, even unwavering, in where we stand, but ultimately fail to build any mutual understanding or create new, healthier ways of being together. Even with the best of intentions, our brains are wired to recreate the patterns we know, even if they’re not the ones that are good for us.

Here at EP, we’re well acquainted with those old patterns. And we have some tips for moving stuck conversations into new places this year. Simple, but tried and true:

Try breaking bread.

It sounds simple, but coming together around a shared meal can ground us in our bodies - in movement, in enjoyment, in an essentially human activity. Focusing on the immediate, what’s right in front of us, can provide just enough space from a potential confrontation to change the route of the conversation.

Embrace the power of the pause.

It’s human nature to interject. Whether someone’s point resonates, or we disagree, above all else, we feel compelled to respond. Even if you’re responding from a point of connection rather than criticism, a rapid-fire conversation doesn’t allow for the kind of listening or reflection that’s necessary to rewire the way you relate to another person. The important thing is to hear the content of what they’re saying, but also to feel their connection to it, building a sense of what’s at stake for them in the conversation.

Don’t try to “solve the problem.”

The first time you sit down with someone to have a difficult conversation, you’re not going to walk away with a sense of resolution. Sometimes, it’s hard to imagine a resolution is ever going to be possible. And maybe it’s not. Instead, aim for understanding, which will lay the groundwork for any future negotiation or decision-making you’ll do together.

In so many of our relationships, the ones we seem to hurt the most are those closest to us. We assume to know what they think and believe, and there are some conversations where we just know we are in the right. But perhaps if we pledge to spend this year focused on the relationship instead of the battle, we can encourage a much more healing type of conversation. Best of luck with moving your stuck conversations to new places. Let us know how it goes!