Getting to Gratitude
Gratitude might not be the first thing you think of fostering dialogue in divided groups. And to be sure, the work of communicating amidst painful histories, ruptured relationships, and deeply different worldviews isn't pain-free. But by helping people navigate new possibilities to be together, instead of falling into the same stuck patterns of engagement, dialogue creates relationships where there was only isolation.
We are grateful to work with people brave enough to foster those relationships, and we hope they find gratitude in one another's commitment to open, honest lines of communication. We asked our practitioners about how they experience gratitude in the work of dialogue, and what tips they'd offer for avoiding a food fight this Thanksgiving.
How is gratitude a part of dialogue? In what ways does it manifest?
John Sarrouf: Even when groups (be they institutions or cities) are experiencing divisive conflicts, gratitude is often expressed for a shared commitment to preserving community. Even when people sharply disagree, they are grateful to find that others care as deeply as they do, even when their values or worldviews aren't aligned.
In every community, there is so much collective wisdom, so many years of experience, and so much courageous advocacy. You can witness the kind of gratitude champions have for each other as they listen to one another's stories. And as hard as some of the conversations can be, there is a gratitude for the effort, the vulnerability, and the generosity of spirit that dialogue elicits.
Gratitude begets more gratitude, creating a circle of mutual respect for and pride in the community at large.
Dave Joseph: I sometimes hear dialogue participants express a huge sigh of relief and express deep gratitude that they have been able to reconnect as human beings with those with whom they disagree. There is often a profound sense of mutual appreciation for the care and concern with which participants have expressed their deeply held beliefs.
“I can’t believe that we were able to talk with this kind of depth and candor” said one participant, in tears. “I feel hopeful now that there is a way we can continue to be together, despite our differences.”
Bob Stains: In reflective structured dialogue, we experience more than just a discussion about a topic. We experience a human meeting that transcends—but does not erase—our differences. We understand what our conversational partners must do - the care and effort they invest - in order to hear us, because we are doing the same. We know that their restraint, their listening, and their interest are gifts, and we are grateful for them.
What dialogue tip for a Thanksgiving dinner would you offer?
John: Ask questions. Be curious. If your cousin tells you they have evidence of alien life on Mars, rather than challenge the validity of their proof, ask about their hope for the first interaction with martians. If your aunt asks why you aren’t married yet, instead of getting defensive, ask how she met her husband and what their wedding was like. If your parent criticizes your choice of presidential candidates, rather than attack theirs, ask about who they first voted for, and what they would do in the first 100 days of their own administration if they were elected.
Ask everybody what they are grateful for taking with them and leaving behind this year. And if they went to Mars to live with the aliens, inquire about what three albums would they bring. Stay curious, my friends.
Dave: Entertain the possibility that there might be deeply seated concerns, beliefs, and needs that underlie someone else’s opinion that you find distasteful or offensive.
Ask to learn more, rather than signing off: “I can’t understand how you can honestly believe that!” Become curious and ask questions designed to help you understand better and connect with where their beliefs are coming from—and hope that they are thoughtful enough to do the same with you!
Bob: Talk with your family in advance about the kind of atmosphere you all want. Ask what's happened in past gatherings that you might want to prevent from taking root at this year's Thanksgiving table, and how you want to be with each other instead. Just having a shared intention for a different way of being will influence table dynamics.
If there are topics that come up that are difficult, Parker Palmer says it best: "When the going gets rough, turn to wonder." Not "I wonder how the heck they could think that," but rather, understanding that each family member's life journey has had an impact on their perspectives. Try asking "Who or what has influenced you? What experiences have you had that figure in to where you stand on this?" and the always useful, "Tell me more," or "And what else?"
Genuine interest as expressed though respectful inquiry is contagious, leaving people wanting to linger at, rather than flee, the Thanksgiving table.