Do You Have Your Dialogue License?

This morning I was driving to work behind a “student driver” car going exactly the speed limit (which is to say, at least 15 mph slower than traffic usually moves on that particular road).  I started to get impatient, but then I thought I’d try to use the time to notice things around me, breathe, be mindful, and all of that.

I was also watching the student driver as he made his way along the road, at one point putting his blinker on and pulling over to the right, no doubt instructed to do so by the teacher in the passenger seat, who was aware of the line of cars behind them.  The driver did everything slowly, carefully, and purposefully, and I was remembering what it was like to learn to drive, before it became habitual, easy.  There was a time, early on, when I had to think, “first step on the brake, then turn the key, then put it in drive.”  And of course passing someone on the highway took a whole lesson —“Look in your rearview, look in your side view, turn around and look behind you because of the blind spot, then and only then, put on your blinker to move into the left lane…”

I started to imagine what it would be like if we had that kind of purposeful approach to conversations, especially difficult ones, complete with on-the-spot coaching. Someone reminding us to slow down, be explicit about our intentions (“Use your turn signals!”), be aware of the other person (“Never assume you know what the other car is about to do”), and the circumstances (I was taught to mind “the condition of the driver, the condition of the car, and the condition of the roads”). Someone sitting right next to us saying, “Now’s a good time to check in with the other person, to see whether what you’re saying is what they’re hearing.”

Of course, sometimes our reflexes save lives, like when a kid runs in front of the car.  Still, there are times when we need to do the opposite of what comes naturally, like steer into a skid, or brake gently when it’s slippery.  Likewise, when we’re trying to talk with someone about something hard or divisive, it’s easy to react to something they say (or something we hear) in a way that—at best—hurts one or both of us and stops the conversation, or—worse—ends the relationship.

I’d guess that few drivers do the same amount of preparation they did when they were beginners, like checking all the gauges and signals before even getting into gear.  But it is well worth thinking about some of our conversational habits and practices, if we want to open up new ways of relating to one another (and make the roads safer for everyone).  Public Conversations Project's workshops offer the opportunity to be a student driver in your conversations, offering purposeful, careful approaches to difficult conversations and the chance to "test drive" what you learn.  

Alison Streit Baron

Program Manager

Public Conversations Project

February 11, 2010